February 29, 2012

last cigar

two weeks ago, i was almost confident i would stop smoking cigarette, its for her 22nd birthday. it was supposed to be an amazing day and a large step for me until it turned gloom. she are too busy to meet me, from that night onwards, i know that my chances to atone for what i had done to her during my study week are very slim. but not until later that week.

i sent a text for a request, she made me wait there for a time for her to show up. ive waited anxiously and was really happy that i would at last see her face again and that i would smile from ear to ear again. not a shred of fear nor dissappointment on my mind during the waiting period. as i was a car pass by, i was shocked that she appeared right before that and i know i wasnt ready to accept the bright news yet but still, i sit there but yet to talk anything.

she spoke to me, and i was very happy at that time, it was like the dried up tree inside me has started to bloom again but neigh, i spot some displeasure from the voice, that a string of words stuck me frozen, speechless. "org mintak maaf, org da jadik tunang org laen". that sentence struck everythought, every nerve and everybone that i have. after that, i could only see her mouth moving up and down, and all i do was just nod. like a mother giving instruction to her child.

as i return back to life, my car was in different spot, and all of her words come to me very clearly, word after word. it even came out written inside of my head. all i could do was scream like a maniac inside my car. i didnt know really what to do at that time. i was furious for a time being. im devastated. what to do, what to do.

as days go by, i still have a hard time to sleep and cant shut my eyes unless tears follow by, now ive made a decision, never to love a woman again in my life. she and my mom will be engraved as the only woman i have ever love. i wont take her back, as i have promised that i would let her go if she had find true love in other men and i would be happier to see her smile more that the time she has been with me. i hope she would achieve a beautiful life. my life is my suffering, i didnt want her tho share a life with me, whe wouldnt stand the suffering.

mom, i love you, i wouldnt leave you no more. i've got no other woman than you now, i would try my best to make u smile until the end. then i'll follow u soon. but i will try my best to raise both sister and brother to be a good human being before i go. i just need some power to survive until that day, i hope you would like to walk hand to hand with me mom. i need your courage that you had when dad passed away. i think i feel what you have felt.

now i know why u didnt marry other after dad died. i just hope he would make mistakes as i would and he would make her suffer more than i do. that's what my greatest regret would be in the coming day.

peace y'all

February 19, 2012

the year progress

some may say this year is a very good year cause its the dragon year and it will bring so much luck and prosper. some other may say this year is the end, the armageddon will happen, the earth end cause its 2012 and according to the so called mayan calender, it ends here, well in december it will be. but for me, its just the same as any other year, same thing just keep repeating itself and the difference is just the things are worst than the year before.

well, the year didnt start as perfectly as i aspected but it is more interesting than what i imagined. ahaha. but it sucks more -.- true story guys. as any other year, my birthday wasnt celebrated, but i got wishes from lets say about 8 person. ahaha. didnt especting that, i was going for 2, my mom n lil sis.unpopular and pesky guy like me got that, pretty amazing, 8 people i tell you. well, it was on end-of-term paper, what do you aspect. i cant even buy cake anymore and my plan totally busted for what i have plan on that day. just got to sleep all day long.

it get a little better from there. i got some vacation from uni for about 2 and a half week. got to see my mom again, and the house ^^. been waiting for some private time at home. ahaha. on the 2nd week, my mom got plan with her siblings to make a little family trip to pahang, 4 cars were used initially and it grows to 6. lucky. it felt very comfortable to be given responsibility to drive through the trip and it was very exiting for me.

but parallel to that, what we didnt know that my house was getting busted by some prick and all of my things and equipment are stolen, like an online gaming account got hacked, it was a total lost on my family side. but it really got to me emotionally, to see my 2nd wife got snatch right under my nose, it was devastating. nothing could ever describe my feeling to it.

to end my 2 and a half week vacation, the result from previous semester study come down on me and like malay saying, you've fallen and to make things worst, it feel like a buldozer has befallen to a fallen me. i've failed two of the subject and all of the other subject i cant even pass c+ mark. damn me.

if you ask me, either my year start off good or bad, i didnt even know when it will start, i just hope for the best for you other guys, dont sulk over what happen to you, just remember that if something bad happen to you, some other guy in the world got it worst than you do, you just didnt know who. be strong and keep living your life fully and do the best for you.

p/s: i've made some move to be back with my gf but she insist we just be ex'es from now on. ouch. maybe i just be me from now, or maybe move on for a better life.

February 03, 2012

Till the end (What's got into me)

Aha. I've been thinkin to myself, i had been a non-smoker for at least 4 years, why did i've turn back to be a smoker. Can't see it as a habit (didn't even smoke a lot back in the days), maybe it was self-counsciousness but the question is for what. I've experienced many bad things happened in life, maybe its taken a toll on me, or maybe because of simple friends influence, but ine thing for sure, i ain't gonna stop for a very VERY long long time.

Sometimes i've been wishing in my life that i will pass out before the cancer got the best of my mom, cause then, i didn't know what to do, or won't ever wanna know whats really going to happen and to do. Maybe then, i will be strong to lead my brother for the rest of his life, guiding him, giving advise, and maybe some protection, or maybe i will break down even more and became people's junk, deserting myself and be forever alone and bring on the misery to myself. This thing really got me thinking. Didn't know what struck me or even wth got into me but i really got the urge to express this to the outside world (well, who ever did read my blog anyway, maybe it will seems like a diary to everyone when i mysteriously disappear or die a famous death that caught the attention of local newspaper, wow).

For most men, who smoke, i cant even be thinking why are they even smoke, but really, are there suppose to have a reason to smoke cigarette? I think not, cause i dont need one when i do. We all only have reason why not to stop smoking. Yes, we have. Most may say they simply can't stop or become addicted, but not for me. I just choose not to stop. Because i will feel much better that my life are shorter than the rest of the noemal people, cause i'm nothing but a hindrance and a trouble maker for everyone, and it will be my pleasure to bring myself away from everyone, they just need to see me for a longer while before i pass before them.

And finally, I would like to say to whoever read this, whoever unsupporting me of smoking, please, if you really do care , take a minute or two of your time and leave a comment below so i could read them late. Thank you very much.