two weeks ago, i was almost confident i would stop smoking cigarette, its for her 22nd birthday. it was supposed to be an amazing day and a large step for me until it turned gloom. she are too busy to meet me, from that night onwards, i know that my chances to atone for what i had done to her during my study week are very slim. but not until later that week.
i sent a text for a request, she made me wait there for a time for her to show up. ive waited anxiously and was really happy that i would at last see her face again and that i would smile from ear to ear again. not a shred of fear nor dissappointment on my mind during the waiting period. as i was a car pass by, i was shocked that she appeared right before that and i know i wasnt ready to accept the bright news yet but still, i sit there but yet to talk anything.
she spoke to me, and i was very happy at that time, it was like the dried up tree inside me has started to bloom again but neigh, i spot some displeasure from the voice, that a string of words stuck me frozen, speechless. "org mintak maaf, org da jadik tunang org laen". that sentence struck everythought, every nerve and everybone that i have. after that, i could only see her mouth moving up and down, and all i do was just nod. like a mother giving instruction to her child.
as i return back to life, my car was in different spot, and all of her words come to me very clearly, word after word. it even came out written inside of my head. all i could do was scream like a maniac inside my car. i didnt know really what to do at that time. i was furious for a time being. im devastated. what to do, what to do.
as days go by, i still have a hard time to sleep and cant shut my eyes unless tears follow by, now ive made a decision, never to love a woman again in my life. she and my mom will be engraved as the only woman i have ever love. i wont take her back, as i have promised that i would let her go if she had find true love in other men and i would be happier to see her smile more that the time she has been with me. i hope she would achieve a beautiful life. my life is my suffering, i didnt want her tho share a life with me, whe wouldnt stand the suffering.
mom, i love you, i wouldnt leave you no more. i've got no other woman than you now, i would try my best to make u smile until the end. then i'll follow u soon. but i will try my best to raise both sister and brother to be a good human being before i go. i just need some power to survive until that day, i hope you would like to walk hand to hand with me mom. i need your courage that you had when dad passed away. i think i feel what you have felt.
now i know why u didnt marry other after dad died. i just hope he would make mistakes as i would and he would make her suffer more than i do. that's what my greatest regret would be in the coming day.