February 03, 2012

Till the end (What's got into me)

Aha. I've been thinkin to myself, i had been a non-smoker for at least 4 years, why did i've turn back to be a smoker. Can't see it as a habit (didn't even smoke a lot back in the days), maybe it was self-counsciousness but the question is for what. I've experienced many bad things happened in life, maybe its taken a toll on me, or maybe because of simple friends influence, but ine thing for sure, i ain't gonna stop for a very VERY long long time.

Sometimes i've been wishing in my life that i will pass out before the cancer got the best of my mom, cause then, i didn't know what to do, or won't ever wanna know whats really going to happen and to do. Maybe then, i will be strong to lead my brother for the rest of his life, guiding him, giving advise, and maybe some protection, or maybe i will break down even more and became people's junk, deserting myself and be forever alone and bring on the misery to myself. This thing really got me thinking. Didn't know what struck me or even wth got into me but i really got the urge to express this to the outside world (well, who ever did read my blog anyway, maybe it will seems like a diary to everyone when i mysteriously disappear or die a famous death that caught the attention of local newspaper, wow).

For most men, who smoke, i cant even be thinking why are they even smoke, but really, are there suppose to have a reason to smoke cigarette? I think not, cause i dont need one when i do. We all only have reason why not to stop smoking. Yes, we have. Most may say they simply can't stop or become addicted, but not for me. I just choose not to stop. Because i will feel much better that my life are shorter than the rest of the noemal people, cause i'm nothing but a hindrance and a trouble maker for everyone, and it will be my pleasure to bring myself away from everyone, they just need to see me for a longer while before i pass before them.

And finally, I would like to say to whoever read this, whoever unsupporting me of smoking, please, if you really do care , take a minute or two of your time and leave a comment below so i could read them late. Thank you very much.


  1. if things doesn't go smoothly with your plan, there is always reset button. it's never late to start all over again

  2. we can always try to make a better story for ourselves. We learn through life and give the best out of it. Our family need you, and we love you. Who says life is easy, when jannah is the price? I used to think we had a broken family, since ayah died. But I was wrong. I was scared, and all I want to do was running away from the painful truth. Now I want to stay and strengthen the bond. I want us to be always together, a happy family. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. -your sister.